Little Things but in multiple directions... aka SNOW

Sometimes it's the little things that can make you feel absolutely miserable.

Not Good Enough

I didn't get into this math research program that I really wanted to get into. When I first found out, I started crying. Okay, maybe not that much, but still, I did.

Why didn't I get in? Am I too young? Too not smart enough? (Bad grammar, sorry!)

I got the highest score in the class on my history test. But I'd much rather have gotten into the program.

So here's to feeling not good enough.

Confessions

Here are my confessions to the whole world. It's not like anyone knows exactly who I am. It's not like anyone even reads this blog. And if you do, prepare to laugh, cry, and dance your way out onto the street.

1. I had/ still have this burning crush for this one guy
1. He's 22.
2. I know it's hopeless. I CAN'T HELP IT.
2. I want to make it to this math summer program called MOSP.
1. They take the top 60 people in the nation.
3. I'm a chronic worrier.
1. I physically stress.
4. I just got a Facebook two nights ago.
1. YES I CONFORMED TO SOCIETAL NORMS. I'M SORRY.
5. I have this thing for older men.
1. 22, 18.... the list goes on. I can't help it.
6. I started writing at the Young Folks.
7. I'm such a failure sometimes.
8. I met CASSEY HO OF BLOGILATES.
1. Boston Meetup was cool, even though I only got to do the meet-up part and barely. She's my all-time hero.

Lately

Have a little faith.

Yeah right.
And

Have a LOT of faith. And work harder. And try not to stress.

Dare to be strong and courageous. That is the road. Venture anything. 
Sherwood Anderson

And be okay.

Christina Perri's instagram

The Lonely is Christina Perri's song I've always been obsessed with. I am the lonely personified.

Let's be Invincible

It's weird. I have so many layers of myself.

I'm the humanified Shrek-the-onion ogre, except so much less sure of myself. I mean, is it even possible? I want to be so fearless and confident and nice and pretty and likeable. I want to be one of those girls you dream about just because you're so jealous.

I'm a coward. I'm a cute little sweet girl. I'm a sad case. I'm a stressing person.

I'm anyone but invincible.

Life sucks.

I Need

• a hug
• some money so I can buy books
• to seriously stop stressing
• more followers lol
• a friend
• time
• sleep
• love
• peace
• inner peace
• serenity
• to not have a cellphone with terrible service
• to be free of problems
• to be with God again

Lost

Do you ever feel so completely lost and alone? I'm feeling that now. I know God is with me, but I'm forgetting to pray every day. I haven't opened my Bible in a long time. I miss security. I miss feeling so close to God. Dear God, I know You love me, but yet I don't know. Please help me in this new environment, in this new community, to feel You and shine. I'm sorry for all these lost days. I need Your help to give me strength and follow Your path. I need Your guidance. Please help. In God's name, Amen. Love, Valerie

So you want to stop binging

I've tried so many things to stop B.

So many things. Go paleo, fast, go pro ana, go vegan, GO AWAY B.

Trust me. Nothing works.


(chilloutpoint.com)

DON'T DO IT.

Except one thing. Just start exercising.

I started forcing myself to do the Blogilates Pop Hiit 1 We Can't Stop workout. I'm in the middle of it right now. It's so hard, but it feels good, and B is contained right now.

So my number one tip as of right now?

EXERCISE. CARDIO. NOW. MWAHAHAHAHAHA. It's terrible, I know, but what's even worse is feeling bad and unhealthy inside. Sweat is good.

So exercise.

It works miracles. I promise. I'm a work in progress, and I'm getting there. I love you. God loves you. He will help you. I promise.

Cassey loves you too!

It Gets Better

Link style, thanks to Buzzfeed, which I am in love with forever. Too bad the relationship is only one-sided.

Feel Better Instantly

It's not THAT bad

Videos by everyone supporting you (not Buzzfeed)

Honestly, I know it gets better. It has too.

And I'm here for you. Whoever you are. Or maybe this is just me trying to comfort myself because I am epically lacking in real friends.

Whatever.

We're okay though.

Dear Me,

Sometimes I wonder if my parents actually care because if they do, they sure do a terrible job of showing it.

Honestly.

I could be ana and they wouldn't notice a thing. I'm not kidding here. They don't notice whenever I skip meals or ANYTHING. I could get through the whole day and not eat until dinner. And they don't notice.

I'm tired.

I want my life to officially start.

Will the real Valerie please stand up? Please tell me she's cool and beautiful and sophisticated and not awkward or introverted. I hope she's happier than I am now.

Will her real parents please stand up too? Please tell me they're amazing.

And will her life officially start? She doesn't want to be like this.

I'm crying as I write this. And of course, no one notices.

I could put all the help pleas in the world on here, and no one would notice. I have put so many on here, and no one freaking does a thing. Where is everyone?

Please. Help.

Dear Me,

You've got a ton of issues.

Sincerely,

Valerie

Oh No- Help Needed

I think I just failed.

This is terrifying.

I'm calling the other side of me B. That because it's the kind of thing you do not want to be. B   is a monster, and I'm trying to control it.

I can't even call it a she or give it any endearment.
I won't.

It's like B is spiraling out of control.

Help. Help. Help.

PS. It's like a psychological thriller against myself. UGH. I hate it. I HATE B.

Breaking, Breading, Breathing

So now I need to make the post relate to my title.

On it.

Breaking: I'm trying to break these bad habits. Many of them. It takes twenty one days to break them. Me? I'm day two of many more to come.

Pray for me. Think of me as you go through your day.

Breading: Bread is losing its appeal bit by bit. I'm working on it.

Carbs are evil. Haha. Salmon is delicious. And I eat lentils like once a year.

Breathing: yeah, there are too many songs and books with a title related to that.

Breathe by Abbi Glines

Breathe by Taylor Swift

And so on.

Recurring People

If only math was as natural to me as seeing similarities in people. It's scary, seeing one person but only seeing the person you associate them with in him or her. It's freaky. And confusing.

Like I can't look at this one guy in my grade without associating him with a bald eagle. Scary right?

Yeah. Totally. 

But for someone like me who has been exposed to many social situations, one thing that's fairly interesting is the recurring types of people. Hence the title. I find that they always are somewhat interconnected, which is very interesting. 

No matter where you go, there are always the judge mental and cruel people, but then there are the extremely compassionate and loving ones as well.

( that's so not me. I wish though)

Unless you're me. I've only met one person like me in my life. Maybe that's the case for everyone though.

So that's it for now.

But I'm so conflicted about the Internet security resolution for LD debate. I mean, what can I do?